Blank September 16, 2010

Blank. That’s the only word I can come up with to describe my week. I have just been lethargic and lazy and… well… blank. Zero motivation.

I described it to someone yesterday as if I almost feel like I am falling into a depression, but I don’t feel ‘depressed’. It’s just the feeling of not wanting to do anything.

I have had a lot of news from home recently that has really stressed me out. At the same time, last week’s duty experience left me feeling like a glorified vital signs taker, and in addition to that a teacher basically told me that even if I deserved it, I would never get an ‘A’ at this school. Even.if.I.deserved.it.

My classmates get away with murder here compared to the expectations and practices back home, and until now, I have really been working hard to do the right thing, be a good student, set a good example.

But that is hard when you can see the work that you put into something would be an A- at the least, but probably an A back home and here they are telling you you got a B+/A-. They won’t give me my actual grade. They said something about it not being fair until everyone is finished. It’s not fair that I have to wait for people who aren’t ready when they are supposed to be, and don’t care.  We are coming up on only four weeks left in this semester, and out of 70+/- students, more than half still need to make their presentations.

I go to a Christian school where there is absolutely zero academic integrity. ZERO.

Some of the faculty have said that it’s because the school has a redemptive philosophy, that is why they are so accommodating, and always giving ‘special considerations.’

But I wonder, what is that really teaching the student population here?

To me it seems like a message that it’s OK if you are irresponsible, simply because you feel like it.

I haven’t been to duty or class all week this week, and right now iI feel like skipping out on the next three weeks because, you know, hey, it doesn’t matter, because nobody fails at this school. That’s the motto it seems among my classmates and others.

I have lost my drive to become better.

Not better than everyone else, but better than I was yesterday or the day before.

I don’t have a desire to be challenged anymore.

I have lost my fire.

Today I got out of bed and decided I must go over to the school and get some things done. I tried to do it the other day, but there was no power and while classes hadn’t been canceled, there was nobody to be found in any of the administrative offices. Today was better. I did take care of many of the things that were on my list for school, and I have a reason to be awake and ready for the day early tomorrow morning. It’s hard to do anything when there is just no feeling of purpose. How can you be the change you want to see when you see there just will not be change?

I know this is just complete babble to you. I’m just trying to clear some mental clutter and end my day with some motivation in my belly for tomorrow. I’m trying to decide that tomorrow will be a good day. I want to have fire again. I’m trying to get back to that place. Since tomorrow is Friday, and it is only a half day of classes, I’m hoping that I will use that motivation I am trying to gather and keep it going even if only simmering on a back burner. It think I should just take this weekend as connection time with my children and be reminded of why I am here, and what is really important to me. I am going to stop thinking and act.

To Everything September 4, 2010

Funny how things work out. The last six months have been very trying for me, and I have already started working on a lot of changes in myself based on some serious reflections that started a while back. In the mean time, in the last week or so, I have been thinking a lot about some more things that I would like to do/change, and even though I have no idea who is reading this, and I’m pretty sure it’s not anyone I know personally, I’ve been thinking about blogging a list of things I want to do in a way to make myself more accountable.  You know how that one works… once you tell someone about it, you feel like a schmuck if you don’t actually do it. I was thinking of 7 things in 7 days, but as I was signing on here I realized that this will be post #50. I kind of can’t believe that! But… in honor of that, I’m just going to make a list of 50 random things I want to finish, start, do, or change, and work from there. I’ll update my progress as I go along.

My list of 50 (in no specific order)

1. No play time on the computer when the children are awake
2. Start the Whole Foods Challenge
3. Help the Manchild come up with a schedule
4. Encourage the Manchild to come up with his own list of 50
5. Wake up earlier in the morning
6. Finish It Takes a Village
7. Return the library books on time
8. Re-read/finish Happiest Toddler on the Block
9. Start packing for our visit back home
10. Find a good NCLEX reviewer
11. Start reviewing for the NCLEX
12. Start posting at least 3 times a week
13. Take more pictures of my children
14. Cook at least one healthy rounded meal a day
15. Take my lunch to duty
16. Drink more water
17. Say “I love you” more often
18. Re-learn to crochet more than a chain
19. Learn to knit
20. Leave more comments on blogs I love
21. Give more hugs and smoochies
22. Build more forts with the babies
23. Read together with the Manchild
24. Read more with the babies
25. Pay more attention to real news
26. Pay less attention to gossip
27. Read The Purpose Driven Life
28. Actually cross everything off of this list
29. Major de-cluttering when we go home
30. Mail some handwritten notes instead of email
31. Send that postcard to Dan
32. Give more
33. Let go
34. Be here now
35. Go to bed at a reasonable hour, regularly
36. Make a family tree
37. Get a haircut
38. Start a recycling program at school
39. Dance with the kids
40. Finish my outstanding assignments by the end of this week
41. Practice more random acts of kindness
42. Filter more frequently
43. Develop a business plan
44. Learn more about herbs
45. Learn more about gardening
46. Finish French in Action
47. Smile more
48. Thank someone who made a difference
49. Don’t let the moment slip away
50. Lose 40 more pounds

WOW! It was harder than I thought to come up with 50 things! When I was trying to decide how to post on it I felt like I had 100 things I wanted to do, but when I had to actually come up with them it wasn’t so easy. Here we have it. Let’s see how well I can do here What would be on your list of 50?

No Comment August 20, 2010

Or in other words, more. culture. shock.

A few weeks ago I did my first rotation in a surgical ward at a government hospital. When I say ward, I mean what we typical Americans think of if someone said, “you know, like the hospitals in the 1950′s,” or, at least, for those of us who never experienced it, what we see on TV.

There is one large room with let’s say, maybe 30 beds. Not the hospital beds we know, with buttons and head/feet that go up and down. No, more like dorm room beds, with hard vinyl mattresses, a hospital sheet that is as thin as paper, and doesn’t stay on, and you have to bring a pillow from home. There might be a large electric fan on the other side of the room, but you should bring one from home, because there is no such luxury as air conditioning in this room. There is one bathroom. I’m not sure, but maybe it has three toilets in it, and everyone in the ward, including the watchers share it.

There are actually rooms like this, one for the men, and one for the women. Have I said enough?

While I was on this rotation, I did a lot of preparing of medications. Lucky for me, and my patients, math has always been a strong subject for me, and I never had trouble doing math for medication dosages. I was preparing one medication, it was a simple one, let’s say the patient needed 100 mg of an analgesic, and it was available in an ampule, which contained 2 ml, and indicated the medication was 50 mg/ml. So, quickly, I can determine that I need to give the patient 2 ml in order for him/her to get the correct dose of 100 mg.

My clinical instructor looked at me and couldn’t figure out how I could get that amount in my head, but just went with it.

The following week, the clinical instructor gave us a quiz. On the quiz were things like the 10 rights of giving medication, the color coding for the medication cards, and some IV flow rates/dosage problems.

We went over the answers after finishing and turning the quizzes in, but I wasn’t paying much attention because I didn’t remember what I wrote for all of the dosages. Until. Someone asked him to explain further, because they got a different answer than the instructor, and wanted to know how he came up with the dose.

To make a long story short, the clinical instructor indicated that the correct answer was really double the amount of the correct dosage. We went over and over and round and round, and finally he understood where the problem was. Later in the week I asked another instructor to complete the same problem, and he also answered with double the correct amount. He suggested that I talk to the dean, because the instructors learned this formula for figuring meds, and as I had already concluded, this is a serious problem.

I followed his advice and spoke to the dean who immediately understood the problem, thankfully, however… The reaction was not quite what I was expecting. Something to the effect of we really need to address this with the person who is teaching medication dosages, and be sure that all of the clinical instructors in the hospital are aware of this, is what I was expecting. What I heard was something more to the tune of how they use a standard formula here, the pharmacists, the doctors, and the nurses, and how this, that and the other agency and person need to have this brought to their attention. There was also a comment about speaking to the doctors, who are ultimately responsible for this…(?). Say wha…?

In another class, I just received hand outs about nursing as a profession, and patient’s rights, and nurse’s rights. The bottom line is that nursing IS a profession. Nurses ARE professionals. Nurses have the right to be respected and trusted, not only by patients, but also by colleagues. I think doctors count as colleagues. Here, they don’t agree.

Here, doctors are Gods, and if you question an order, you might “hurt their ego.” Yes. You understood that correctly. If you are a nurse, in this country, at least to say generally speaking, you follow the doctors orders even if they are questionable, and even if you know there are additional things that should be done for the patient (let’s say a daily weight/abdominal girth on an ascites patient), you do not take the initiative and do these things if the doctor forgot to write it in his/her orders. You do not ask the doctor if these things should be done. Apparently, here, the doctor’s ego is more important than quality care, or possibly life.

I’m having a hard time right now, as I have more and more hours of duty logged in. I’m being exposed to more and more eye opening things every time I have a new rotation. I am trying to find some kind of balance, a way that I can somehow ask questions without getting into trouble while I am representing my school. I’m trying to ask questions more in an ‘I’m just wondering kind of way’, hoping that I am bringing to someone’s attention something that needs to be addressed, something that needs to be changed, desperately.

I’m trying to be the change I want to see.

How can I be that change and culturally sensitive at the same time?

Out With The Old January 1, 2010

I’m not very different from everyone else.  The last twelve months have been a roller coaster ride for me.  Every time things seemed to settle down, either in a good way or a bad way, all of a sudden that incline came out of nowhere and I then there I was, facing a landslide decline.  The downhill was not always bad, not always scary, sometimes it was just that rush of excitement that I needed.

I have been struggling over the last few days both with some decisions I have to make in everyday life, and with the decision as to whether I should make The List.  You know the one, it has a Part A: all those things from the last twelve months that I deem to be list worthy, and then comes Part B: all those things I resolve to do in the next twelve months.

But why do we make these lists?  Especially the ones we resolve to do in the next twelve months?  How many times over the course of your life have you made those resolutions and then actually followed through with them?  I have decided not to make a list after all; I have decided that instead of making a list of resolutions to try to stick to… I am doing one thing only, I am going to wake up each morning and take a moment or two to meditate on all of the things I have to be thankful for.  I have been thinking that I need a little fine tuning of the attitude, and I think that this one daily exercise will help keep me centered, focused on what is really important.

While most of you are just waking up and starting your new year, I am half a world away.  My first day of the new year is already almost over.  Today was a challenge for me.   I find myself standing at one of those major forks in the road where I am forced to make some very hard decisions.  Today I made a conscious effort to give thanks for all of my blessings, and come back to center before I reacted to anything.  With this effort, I hope that I smiled at least once more than I did yesterday.  If I did, then I was successful.

A Milllion Miles December 19, 2009

Wow, long time no write!

I was just thinking today on my way home from a trip to the mall, that I really need to get back here a little more often… or at all for that matter.

When I finally arrived home, I checked my email, and lo and behold, a new comment was waiting for me; I think that was a sign.  So now it is 2:07 a.m. and here I am typing away to bring you up to speed.

Have you ever done anything crazy with a pinch of impulsive mixed in?

I sure have.  Sometime over the summer, probably in early to mid-August, we (hubby and I) made a kind of spur of the moment decision. That was, Plan B for the completion of my BSN was developed and put into action.  Here I am now, half way across the world, a foreign student in a new school, away from my hubby, extended family, and friends, welcoming new experiences.

Here I am in the Philippines, making my goal become a reality.  Hopefully in two years (the length of time is still debatable) I will return to the States ready for another new chapter to start.  But for now, I am here learning lots of new things, seeing lots of new things, doing lots of new things, eating lots of new things, and loving lots of new things.  The decision to come here was difficult to make on some levels, but on others, it couldn’t have been any easier.  I’ve been here now for just over two months, and so far it’s been pretty great.

I’ve been trying to keep a handwritten journal of sorts, a record of my adventures, but even with the pen I have been slacking.  Just before I signed in tonight, I thought maybe I should try to start the new year off with a resolution of sorts, to post once a day… but I figured I should be more realistic and aim for at least once a week, both here in the cyberworld, and with paper and ink.  I would really love to look back and have a regular record of our experience, especially for The Manchild and the babies.  I have also been encouraging the Manchild to keep his own journal, because I think it will be amazing to look back in years to come and see the different perspectives we had throughout this time.

So here I leave you for the evening (or wee hours of the morning), before I fall asleep, hoping to be back sooner and more regularly with some adventures to share!

The Cesarean Complex September 4, 2009

There is a lot out here on the interent about birthing; especially natural birth and the birthing experience.   Having wanted a natural birth experience for all three of my littles, I was quite disappointed to have each of them end in cesarean sections.  For a long time I felt that I was missing the experience of natural birth, that I had been robbed.  Over the last year or so, I have come to a peaceful place with the experience that I did have, the experience is mine.  A lot of that is from being able to read the experiences of others and how they got through them.  Some insight that helped me greatly was from Morgan over at Adventures in Diapering.  I have come to realize that it is OK for me to miss that experience, as long as I can still look at the big picture and remember that the pregnancy and birth are probably about 1% of the entire parenting experience, and the parenting experience is what really matters. 

 

Another thing that I have come to realize is that there are some women (men too…) who really put a value on the natural birth experience, and in talking about that value as a whole (medically and emotionally speaking), focus on the areas in which our current maternal care system is lacking.  There is not a lot of discussion of situations where cesarean sections were a legitimate medical necessity.   I believe that for most women who have experienced something different than they were hoping for, this does nothing but perpetuate feelings of loss, sadness, and possibly inadequacy.

 

While this is something that has been of interest to me for over a decade, it has been more of recent that I have been doing more reading and research on the issue.  I am fully aware of the sad state of our maternal care in the U.S., both from my readings, and from personal experience.  I know that there are many (too many)  situations where a  woman who intends on having a natural birth experience ends up with an epidural, and eventually lands on the OR table while her child is born through a surgical incision for reasons that could have been avoided.  I know that there are OBs who want to practice 9-5 medicine and will induce labor or schedule ‘elective’ cesareans so they can be home in time for dinner.  I also know that many women head into the hospital thinking that they are going to have the birth experience that they dreamed of, not ever having had a direct conversation with their doctor about his or her practices, or doing any of their own research outside of taking the child birth classes taught at the hospital.  The problem is not only the fault and/or the responsibility of medical providers, but also that of women.

 

I believe that there is more than one issue at hand here.  The fist is making a change in the system so that pregnancy and birth are treated as a natural process and not a disease that needs to be cured.  The second is that we need to develop a true understanding of what (some) women who have had cesarean sections go through in the recovery process emotionally, and provide better support for them.

 

There are amazing nurses, midwives, and doctors out there that realize we have come to a place where change needs to happen.  Many are trying to make that change even if it is only in the smallest things that they can do as individuals (maybe a nurse standing strong in supporting a women’s wishes when she is being bullied by a doctor).  Some know we need a change but have no idea where to start, and there are others, unfortunately, that don’t realize anything is wrong.

 

I believe that as a woman, I have a responsibility to myself and other women, to be an educated consumer’ of all things.  Number one on the list of all things is health care.  Change doesn’t come easily or quickly, but with time, persistance, and hard work, we can make it happen.  It is my responsibility to be open and upfront with my doctor regarding my expectations.  It is also my responsibility stand up for myself if I believe that I am not getting what I deserve.  Remember that even in the doctor’s office, you are paying for a service, and you deserve to be treated fairly and with respect.  You can question things without being rude or pushy, and it is OK to say no, or I want a second opinion.  It is your body, and what happens to it is your choice.  Don’t let that choice be taken away from you.

 

 

The Doula April 3, 2009

The first time I had ever heard of a doula, I was at a Pampered Chef party with a bunch of ladies I didn’t know.  I met a woman who was going through the nursing program at a local community college, and we were sharing experiences as working moms who are going to school to become nurses.  I have always had a keen intereste in women’s health, and as soon as I realized that nursing was what I wanted to do, I knew I wanted to work in L&D.  The only problem is that the husband thinks that I am crazy.  I finally convinced him the other day that all those Discovery Health shows I am so crazy about are in fact contributing to my education, and he may now finally give up the fight of trying to convince me that I have no need to watch real people on TV.

 

Anyway, I digress… back to the subject.  So there I was sitting around someone else’s kitchen table listening to them talking about labor and doulas and femal body parts… “What’s a doula?” I asked, kind of embarrassed, since they all seemed to know and I didn’t.  That was the beginning.

 

That was probably 4 or 5 years ago when I was a freshman in the nursing program.  I knew I wanted to do L&D, and I also knew that I didn’t want to stop there, I wanted to become a midwife. 

 

Since then I have had 2 more babies, neither of which were the birthing experience I had hoped for after my son was born by emergency cesarean almost 12 years ago (another story for antoher post).  Since then I have become more and more focused on becoming a midwife; what is the quickest way for me to finish my schooling, how do I find and choose a training program? 

 

Yesterday I was looking for something to do, and somehow I started searching for information on doulas and midwives and programs that are available.  I came up with a plan (somewhat anyway) of what I want to do and how I want to go about getting there.  I am feeling very positive about my ideas and goals, and the husband responded with “I love it!!” when I sent him a quick what do you think email yesterday. 

 

I am in a good place and I am on my way to better.